Learning self-denial can be untasteful, but it is a life skill necessary for happiness and fulfillment. The greedy, narcissistic, and selfish child never feels complete and rarely finds any deep level of happiness or satisfaction because they are always looking for what they might have missed out on or who got more than themselves.
Sadly, the quality of self-denial seems lost in our society and rarely displayed, even by our public leaders. Our pulpits and classrooms are full of teaching on self-worth, self-promotion, and identity based on the idea that giving to others is only beneficial when we also benefit from it ourselves. That is far from Biblical teaching.
Philippians 2:3 tells us to "esteem others better than ourselves." Isn't that a crazy thought? To view others as more important than ourselves? To think of their needs and value ahead of our own? To lift them up ahead of ourselves? To give them the front seat or the biggest slice of cake? How in the world would that help us get ahead in life?
Let me suggest two benefits. First, we would gain respect. Most people admire and appreciate a thoughtful person. Using manners like opening doors for ladies or giving someone your place in line or your seat causes people to take notice. Kindness breeds kindness, and respect is earned, not demanded. So, maturity means giving place to another.
Another benefit of self-denial is an inner knowledge of goodness. A little verse in Proverbs 14:14 says, "A good man shall be satisfied from himself." Knowing we have done right and not been greedy or grabbing gives us a feeling of goodness. We see ourselves as good people because we show our goodness in action to others.
Let me add another benefit of self-denial: It tends to self-control. For example, we have not learned self-denial until we say no to things like overeating, overspending, or speeding. There is a level of maturity that calls us to submit to the law, especially God's law.
Elizabeth Elliot wrote, "The earlier the parents begin to make the laws of order and beauty and quiet comprehensible to the children, the sooner they will acquire good, strong notions of what is so basic to real godliness - self-denial. A Christian home should be a place of peace; there is no peace where there is no self-denial."
Let's return to Proverbs 13:10. "Only by pride cometh contention, but with the well-advised is wisdom."
A lack of self-denial is pride. It is putting oneself first. And what does the Proverbs say is the result? Contention. Contention is fighting, opposition, and struggle.
And oh, how my sister and I could fight when we didn't want the other one to have first place when our pride drove our decisions and actions. We've all been there. We've all worn the T-shirt. Haven't we?
But what is the second part of that verse? "With the well advised is wisdom?" How thankful I am for a mother who gave me good advice.
Being willing to put others first and not demanding that my prideful self be given the biggest slice of cake or the biggest anything has kept me out of many problems.
Being demanding is taxing on everyone, but thoughtful, generous people are a source of joy.
People who only think of themselves cannot be trusted. They look out for themselves, and you are not in their equation. Self-focus causes short tempers and resentment on both sides, leading to poor relationships.
God's way is different. "Give, and it shall be given unto you." "Don't think of yourself more highly than you ought." Condescend - give way for others. Share what you have. Look to the way of others - not for gain, but to be a blessing, etc. Many more instructions in God's Word teach us the quality of self-denial.
So, take the back seat and give your neighbor, or even your sister, the bigger slice of cake!
